today is a sad day

wow.

i haven't felt this depressed in a long time. i feel so very grey. what is the problem.

well, i don't feel good about WoW. i have drama at work. i dont feel good about my health and habits.

i don't really like feeling this way.

let's try to analyze this. im already biased in my mind that it has something to do with the amount of time i play WoW.

wow, i just sat there and thought about it all for like 10 good minutes. it's very difficult to put it all into words.

good god, i have to be in the wrong profession. what should a person like me do with themselves? i think if i had a job that i really liked, i think i would like life a little better. i think that perhaps if my job suited my lifestyle and people were more understanding of me, and not always so scornful, then i would feel better about myself. a lot of times i have to lie or pretend to be someone im not and that is really unhealthy i think.

so again, what should a person like me strive to become? what sort of environment do i need to get myself into where i start feeling good about who i am? because i think i hate myself. i think i hate the fact that no one understands me or my habits at all.

i wonder also if there exists such an environment for a person like me, and that really makes me want to hate life.

i try to change, i really do. i try to change my mind. it's not that it is difficult, it's that...

god i wish i understood it.

these are all new thoughts i need to brood over. perhaps my habits are not wrong, the reception is wrong. since it is given a bad reception, i percieve it as i am doing wrong and therefor hate myself for doing what i enjoy. tho, when i say enjoy, i mean i am completely content, often euphoric.

so what would happan if i embraced my habit? what if i stood and said this should be perfectly acceptable and is not a negative thing?

that makes me think of china and the measures they are going through to implement shorter playing times and such. how parents limit the amount of time their kids play games.

but perhaps that is all just bad reception, i still take care of all my business. i have my own place, i pay all my bills, i have a positive relationship with my family and a few friends.

but didnt i slip into this once with ffxi? just escape all the problems of my life into ffxi until they went away? until i wasnt in the navy and i wasnt with eileen and i was just sitting in my mom's basement doing just ffxi. perhaps i am still stuck there. i am still hiding from the world.

but what the hell does that mean? what is 'the world'. tell me where to go, and who to talk to to be part of this 'world' and ill do it. perhaps i am not hiding from anything at all.

im so confused.

i wish i had answers. i think i would then feel better. really, i wish if i didnt have to feel negative feelings at work, i think i would feel a little better about myself. i would still have all these issues, but they would just not be on the forefront of my mind because i would be content in my 'hiding from the world inside WoW' thing.

perhaps that's it. perhaps im hiding from my emotions and not allowing myself to devolop by 'hiding inside WoW'.

wow, that really is something to think over tonight.

i think i am lonely.